Wednesday, January 31, 2007

i usually hate receiving forwarded "funny" and "amusing" emails because they are usually anything but. However, this one is funny because it's true.

As you know, Glasgow will be applying to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014.
What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014 to boost Glasgow’s bid. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.


The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.


In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not
been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some
of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.


Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven
(one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police
Dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.


As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges,
garden fences, Walls etc)


Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish
to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause
the most physical damage within three attempts.


This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also
provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside
Kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.


A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man.
The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a
choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore


Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams,
and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15
pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea
when he gets home. The bout will then commence.


Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University
bike shed and takes an expensive mountain bike owned by
some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the


As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.


Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing,
joyriding, underage drinking and arson.


All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels,
once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will
be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".


A safe route has yet to be decided.


Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police
cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...


Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Fuck Take That! New Kids On the Block will beat a bitch's ass!

Seriously - i STILL love them...

No, bitch; I'M THE NUMBER 1 FAN!

Monday, January 29, 2007

It is currently -15c in Toronto. In Glasgow, it is hovering around 10c. Walking to work this morning in my Mackage wool coat, I was almost breaking into a sweat; it was too damn hot. i realised i am even more twisted than i originally thought because i miss PROPER snow and winters.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I'm Feeling a bit Embarrassed About This...

i have been immortalized in a Scottish newspaper, The Inverness Courier, thanks to my pal, M. i cannot believe, however, that he wrote about our CONVERSATION ABOUT CIRCUMCISION!?! Best bit, nonetheless, is being referred to as "stunningly beautiful"; if only it were true...sigh...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

When i was around 16, i became completely obsessed with Bob Dylan and his music. i read every biography about him; read all his bizarre drug-inspired poetry; watched Don't Look Back to the point where i could quote the film by heart; and i would only listen to Dylan's albums.

August 7, 1997: One of the most amazing experiences ever. i saw Ani Difranco open for Bob Dylan in Toronto at the Molson Amphitheatre. As soon as Dylan walked onto the stage, i was mesmerized by him. Either that or it was the massive mushroom cloud of pot that filled the outdoor stadium.

And so, when i read that Dylan bought a mansion in the highlands of Scotland, my heart fluttered a bit and i said, "OHMIGAWDZSSZ!"

Monday, January 22, 2007

My Scottish friend, Tim, confirmed what i have known for some time now: that Scottish people don't date. Or rather, they don't "date" in the way that you and i (fellow Torontonians) are familiar with. Over here, it seems that young men and women meet through friends, work, or in a bar/club and after meeting and consuming alcohol, the newly acquainted individuals go back to someones flat and shag. Afterwards, it is decided whether or not they are a couple or just a sad pathetic fumble in the dark.

Back in Toronto, men and women - again - meet through friends, work, or in a bar/club but that's where a lot of the similarities end. Perhaps it's an old puritan tradition that "Toronto the Good" hasn't quite gotten rid of, but folks tend to opt out for the more traditional route of "courting". That is, two individuals meet; exchange numbers/emails; one individual waits for a designated amount of days before calling/emailing the other; individuals meet for dinner and have lengthy flirtatious in depth discussions about life and themselves. Generally there is a 3 to 6 date policy before sleeping with someone - depending on how skanky you are/how much you like the person/etc. Obviously there are exceptions to the dating game. After a few dates (and possible make out session), people in Toronto have that dreaded serious talk: the are-we-a-mutually-exclusive-couple-or-should-we-call-it-quits-so-i-can-make out-with-some-other-hot-lawyer-now!?

As such, because of the widely accepted practice of courting, men in Toronto seem more apt at making the first move. Generally, if you are out somewhere and making hot bedroom eyes with a dude, he is more than likely to attempt and strike up a conversation and hopefully ask you out.

Sadly, not so in Glasgow.

The men over here are hopeless at making the first move; i don't know if it's some weird cultural thing that hearkens back to the middle ages, but dudes over here seem completely oblivious. And i don't care how many times someone says that Scottish men are just shy because i'm shy too. No one actively seeks rejection and heartbreak but alas, it's a side effect of dating.

Oddly, there also seems to be a Culture of Seriousness that surrounds a "traditional date" over here. Although most young people have very few concerns about shagging a near-stranger, a lot of Scottish men break into a cold sweat if you ask them out for a coffee. It's almost as if you're asking them to practically set a wedding date.

This Culture of Seriousness extends into other aspects of Scottish life too. For example, this past Saturday my English friend and i went to a club in the West end. Although we dressed up, a lot of the other girls were completely styled to the nines with the latest fashions from Top Shop. My friend and i - although sober - went totally NUTS on the dance floor and *gasp* had fun. We did not take ourselves seriously at all while it seemed like everyone else was.

i'm not complaining nor am i making any judgements on either culture; i'm just trying to understand British men (ugh) and assimilate to the Scottish ways - without turning into a slag. i'm not the only North American woman to come to this conclusion either.

p.s. i've linked to this Leah McLaren article about British men before and even though she received a lot of harsh criticism for it, i think she is generally right.

(Fine print: don't worry, Mom. You raised a good - and smart- daughter! Bastards have to buy me dinner first!!!)

Friday, January 19, 2007

A Special Announcement

Congratulations are in order for my awesome Mom for getting a new job in Ottawa! My Mom will be running hospitals, barking orders, saving lives, talking about nurses' health and well-being in the workplace, and pushing old people around - all the while remaining fabulous! Congrats, Mom! Now you just need to learn French!
i have gone out every night this week and the policy of joints closing at 11pm - or earlier! - is really annoying me. How i long for the now-defunct open 24 hours cafe, Insomnia. i went there while i was a student but when i moved back here last April, it had closed?!

Monday night i met up with an acquaintance in city centre for a coffee. We were chased out at 8pm, however, because they were due to close. Tuesday evening Anna and i went to see, The Last King of Scotland (excellent film albeit a bit gruesome). Afterwards we went for dinner and (more) coffee to be shuffled out at 11pm as the cafe was due to close. Wednesday night i managed to make it out before closing time. Last night, however, my date and i were chased out of one pub leading us to seek refugee (of sorts) in Ashton Lane. After an hour in another bar, it was closing time. At midnight.

For all the drinking in this country, there really isn't a lot of time to enjoy it. And maybe that's why the British binge drink like they do: a desperate attempt to get as much booze in you before you're kicked out into the brutal rain and winds. Survival mechanism. i'm not entirely sure. i do know, however, that i miss going out with friends, to some hole-in-the-wall dive bar (i.e. Communist's Daughter in Toronto - how i love that jukebox!), and getting so lost in the conversation that before you know it, it's 2am but the liquor is still flowing. And if you're still keen to keep drinking at 2.30am, you can always head down the road to the after-hours joint, The Matador.

Glasgow would definitely benefit from a couple hole-in-the-wall dive bars with an awesome jukebox, extended drinking hours, 24-hour cafes, and after-hours booze halls. i smell a niche market...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

HOT SCOTS Vol.1 Edition 1

Hot Scot of the Moment: Gerard Butler. Perhaps best known as the hot "Stranger" from Dear Frankie, a lovely wee Scottish film. He also starred in a Canadian film, Beowulf & Grendel, giving him total Canadian street cred, so far as i am concerned. Apparently he also played the Phantom in Joel Schumacher's The Phantom of the Opera, but i didn't see it because i am not a gay man or a 10-year old girl. Come to think of it, i fucking hated that shit piece of "theatre" when i was 10 too. Total pants. The only "musical theatre" that i can tolerate is The Who's, Tommy and Sweeney Todd - which illustrates just how deprived i really am.

Anyway, back to Gerry. Dude is from Glasgow and pretty much encapsulates the definition of hotness. Well, except for the fact that he's an actor.
This is what the British "Empire" has become to Canada: uneducated English twats with an overwhelming sense of entitlement. America Jr, i say.

Monday, January 15, 2007

How did i spend my weekend?

Well, friday night my landlord's father came over with a friend to clean up the mountain of plaster and pieces of ceiling off of my floor. The large hole still remains, however, and i hope it is to be repaired soon. Afterwards i had to clean and wash every article in my flat as it was covered with a layer of asbestos-like dust from all the removal. i quickly developed a massive headache and waited for blood to spurt out of my nose. It never did but i achieved a weird high from inhaling the toxic mix of cleaning supplies and ancient plaster from the turn of the 19th century.

Saturday afternoon - in the midst of ridding my clothes of the plaster dust - the Cute Engineer called me, as he was around the corner, and did i want to go for coffee? Totally. So, i left my Ground Zero Flat, hopped a ride in his jeep, and we hit the road for some overpriced coffee in the west end. Saturday evening, my friend Anna came over and we went to my friend's place to watch the Kylie Homecoming Tour on Channel 4. My British friends could not get over the fact that i had never seen Neighbours (we don't get it in Canada); hardly know Kylie songs pre-Fever album; and that Kylie has never toured North America.

During the course of the night, my friend and i came up with a new theory to explain many strange occurrences in Glasgow: The Deficiency Syndrome. As i mentioned in a previous post, there are currently 40,000 more single women in Glasgow then men - statistically making it a shit place for females if you want to find a decent bloke. Nevertheless, this deficiency is most likely responsible for a lot of the pattern behaviours exercised by both sexes. Namely:

a) attractive females with less than average boyfriends

b) large percentages of Glaswegian men with inflated egos

c) skanky "night wear" displayed by some of the female tribes of Glasgow

d) overly aggressive females who drunkenly fight one another in the street at 2am, under a shower of chips, irn bru, and high-pitched squeals

e) the sad (and confirmed fact) lack of decent single men

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Look what i came home to tonight!!!!! My fucking ceiling collapsed in the the hallway and now there is asbestos and soot all over the fucking flat and it's like a goddamn bomb of dust, horsehair, chalk, and plaster exploded in here! Note how i started to clean it up and gave up because it is 11pm and i just came home from watching Pan's Labyrinth and i've a glass of red wine because i'm so fucking pissed!!! MY ENTIRE FLAT IS COVERED IN A LAYER OF TOXINS AND DUST FROM 1903!!!!!! FUCK!
And You Thought TTC Drivers Were Mean-Spirited Twats...

Bloodbus - Glasgow, through the eyes of a bus driver. This dude is hilarious.
I Really Need To Stop and Think About What I Say Before I Say It - Edition #1,256

Scene: Last night at dinner, on a date with a cute engineer (whom i met last weekend).

Him: "Soooooo, do you have any children?"
Me: "Yeah, right. i sold them on ebay before i re-located to Scotland."
Him: "Well, you never know; you're 27, right?"
Me: "Exactly! I'm 27! Can you imagine?! Me? With a baby?!"
Him: "...."
Me: "Do you?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "No, you don't!"
Him: "I do."
Me: "Get out!"
Him, pulling out his wallet and producing a picture: "This is _________; she's two."
Me: "You have a kid?!!" (pause) "Oh, cool."

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

This shit is ruining my teeth. Pretty soon i'll have the Scottish teeth to go along with my newly-acquired (and recently curbed) Scottish drinking habits too.
Funniest Picture from 2006

Monday, January 08, 2007

i went to one of the best parties i've ever been to this past weekend - an engagement party for Mike and Erica (pictured above), that was held at their flat in the Southside. Seriously. Best party ever. Just a quick recap: saw people from university - people i had not seen in about seven years (?!); shared some yummy Canadian icewine with Mike and Erica; danced to Britney Spears in the kitchen; heard one of the funniest sayings i have heard in years ("ball deep"); got sprayed/showered with champagne; and ate some yummy Scottish salmon. And yet (!) i somehow ended up at one the sketchiest clubs on the southside namely, THE SHED. i nearly keeled over because my feet were sticking so badly to the floor. i also forgot that there are some totally trashy people in this town. And they like to hang out at The Shed.

Ok. Honestly. It was pretty fucking awesome. My friend, Anna, and i walked over just before 1am and managed to get in. The floor was sticky, the club was populated by mouth-breathers, and it was hot inside. However, Anna and i totally rocked out to crap British pop music that i had never heard of before (Take That, for example); sometimes you just gotta rock out, ya know? Best. Weekend. Ever.

Next engagement party that i predict? Matt and Lauren's (pictured above, kissing). FYI, MOM: Lauren is my friend from Glasgow University that lived in Toronto for a year. 'Cause i know you like the gossip and all. Oh, and Mom, i only had 2 glasses of wine (and a Bacardi Breezer at the club because it was THAT kinda place, if you know what what i mean). TOTALLY SOBER! Who is your number one (and only) daughter?!
Thinking..."So, that's why there are so many ugly and mediocore-looking dudes with hot girlfriends in this city!"

According to new research on the British singles scene, [Glasgow] has almost 40,000 more single women than men, making it statistically the worst place in the country for females looking for love.

Friday, January 05, 2007

You Can't Go Home Again

i am back in Glasgow, returning to a dark, wet, and windy city. My flat was cold - as usual - and immediately i missed staying with my best friend at his brand new loft in downtown Toronto. i forgot what it's like to stay in a properly heated apartment with strong water pressure. The weather in Glasgow yesterday and today, however, was gorgeous; how did i take full advantage of the sun and warm climate? i slept until 1pm! i blame the jet lag.

Here's the thing about going home: expectations and stress levels are high. i always found it slightly odd, going home to visit family that you really only see a few times a year. As such, some family members can assign you to the familial role that used to play - growing up - but are no longer. And sometimes it's easier to oblige them and go along with it then it is to change ways.

Despite the fights (with my step-father, step-sister, and brother, respectively), drama, annoyance and freezing cold weather but UTTER LACK of snow, it was well worth the $1300 to return to my homeland and see all the people and things that i have missed in the past 9 months. Here are just a few:
My best friend since the Bronze Age, Bob (Bitter Queen).My old haunt, Mitzi's Sister, located in the heart of Parkdale (Toronto). i have been dreaming about their black bean burrito and sweet potato fries for months. Also, they have McAuslan Apricot Wheat beer. On tap. It totally made it worth living in Crackdale!
The food, ohmigawd, the food. Witness: Mitzi's Sisters' Black bean burrito with HOMEMADE nacho chips, guacamole and salsa.Tim Hortons - every Canadian knows exactly what i'm talking about.
Big fat black squirrels: do they only exist in Canada 'cause almost every non-Canadian who sees one freaks out all, "those squirrels are black?! What the fuck, Canada?!"

Sneaky Dee's - otherwise known as Sneaky Disease. Awesome place for nachos, cheap beer, sticky floors, hipsters, and spending New Year's.

Milk that comes in bags. Again, is this a Canadian phenomenon? i've only witnessed bags of milk in Canada. My brother used to go through these 4 litre bitches like they were going out of fashion when we were kids. i think he is lactose intolerant these days...i miss you already, Tdot.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

HAPPY NEW YEAR!Angie and I rocking out on New Year's Eve