I DREAM OF HAGGIS

This past weekend can be summed up in two words: movies and Macrobid.

Friday night Anna, Miriam, Cute lawyer boy and i went to see Half Nelson which was being shown as part of the Glasgow Film Festival. The film starred Canadian hottie, Ryan Gosling, and the soundtrack was provided by Toronto band extraordinaire, Broken Social Scene. Afterwards, Cute lawyer boy and i rushed off to the Merchant City for some dinner at a French bistro. i must be on some food karmic kick since causing a (justified) scene at TGI Friday's, because instead of bringing the bouillabaisse i ordered at the bistro, they brought me some weird beef stew. We pointed out the error to our server - who was apologetic - and were offered dessert on the house. How refreshing to experience real customer service once again!

i haven't explored much of the Merchant City yet but what i have seen, i like. The Merchant City is were the rich and fabulous once lived in the 18th Century. All the "Tobacco Lords" who built their wealth through tobacco, cotton, and sugar trade built beautiful buildings that have now been turned into chic cafes, bars, and shops. What was once rich in Tobacco Lords, is now full of Gaylords. Of course, it is now home to Glasgow's gay community. The majority of gay clubs and bars (where i heard my first Kylie song, 7 years ago) are housed in the Merchant City and being the fag hag that i am, obviously i love the area. The Merchant City feels like Yorkville meets Church and Wellesley - but even then, such a description cannot capture the essence that is Glasgow.

After dinner we headed back to my flat in the west end for some Canadian wine that i brought back with me at Christmas: Inniskillin. (Which reminds me: Jason, can you bring me some when you come in April, please?)

Saturday morning, Cute lawyer boy and i went to North Star for some french toast and REAL MAPLE SYRUP (yes, three weekends in a row now). Afterward, we pretended we were 60-years old and went for a walk around the west end and then for some tea. i asked Cute lawyer boy if he wanted to come with me to the surprise film screening at the festival later that night and he did. i had a hunch that the film was going to be The Illusionist.

After going home to change, Cute lawyer boy met me back at my place where we set off to meet Anna at the bar in Lang's Hotel. Anna, Cute Lawyer boy (whom i should mention spent some time in Texas as a child) and i were craving nachos. Anna and i were still not satisfied in our quest to find authentic and decent nachos in this town, and were pleasantly surprised to find nachos with GUACAMOLE! SALSA! and JALAPENOS! on the menu. So we ordered the nachos and drinks.

And waited.
And waited.
And waited.

i started getting anxious as the surprise film was about to start and everyone knows i am a spaz when it comes to film. Like Woody Allen's character in Annie Hall, i almost always cannot watch a film if i am 5 minutes late. i apologise in advance to anyone who ever has to see a film with me and we are running late. Cute lawyer boy asked our server about our drinks and by the expression of "oh, shit" that crossed his face, you just knew he forgot. After returning with our drinks, he told us that our drinks were on the house. Yet another score of free food and drinks! Karma was in our favour! i then asked about our nachos.

The look of fear returned to his face.

Returning with our nachos (that again, were not nachos but "posh" nachos that resembled dirty tortilla chips, just-add-water guacamole, and watery salsa) which were separated into wee different white bowls on a chic white plate. HUH?!

Our server told us to forget about the bill for the nachos too. Done.

We then sprinted over to the cinema for the surprise film which, unfortunately, was not what i expected. No, instead of a coherent and half-decent film, we were subjected to David Lynch's Inland Empire. The film had brief moments of a plot but overall, it sucked. Hard. You know, even though i am a huge film buff and love all kinds of cinema, i get really pissed off when a pretentious film tries to hide behind the Art argument. Just because something is deemed High Art does not mean that it has to be inaccessible. To me, successful "art" is a creation - an expression of an idea or emotion - that is conveyed to an audience. And that's where David Lynch failed. Or so i thought.

What a self-indulgent wank of a movie. We left after 2 hours. Yes, 2 hours because apparently the film is 3 hours long. Fuck you, David Lynch! i will never get those 2 hours back. In fact, lots of people left the theatre. i wanted to go after about an hour and twenty minutes but i wasn't sure about Anna and Cute lawyer boy so i fell asleep instead. When i woke up, about 15 - 20 minutes later, i felt like i hadn't missed anything.

Cute Lawyer boy and i left the theatre slightly disheartened and perturbed. We suspect that he made the film up as he went along. Afterward we went back to my flat and Cute lawyer boy proceeded to show me the funniest things i have seen in about 5 years:



i think i freaked him out with my uncontrollable laughter. i proceeded to then show him the Kelly/ Shoes video which my Mom and i were so obsessed with a couple months ago. Ok, so it isn't as funny as the GI Joe video and i think it caters more to the female and gay audiences but nonetheless, i think he appreciated it. Actually, he remarked, "you can kind of talk like that". Betch!

Sunday morning i woke up to the worst urinary tract infection i have had since i was about 11. Pure agony. i even had the cold sweats and was shaking. i quickly doped myself with a mass amount of antibiotics and waited for it to get better. Only it wasn't happening as quickly as i had hoped and so, i asked Cute lawyer boy to leave until i felt better. i know that seems harsh but shit, if you have ever had a brutal UTI you feel like cutting out your urethra, curling up into a ball, and wait for death. Either that or stabbing someone in the face. And i'm not a violent person. i think Cute lawyer boy was hurt and a bit taken aback but i really just needed to lie in bed and run to the toilet - alone - every 30 seconds until it subsided. It's not a state that i would want many people to witness, let alone some cute 26-year old boy.

After the drugs kicked in (sweet, sweet euphoria), i texted him to say i was feeling better and that i was sorry for abruptly asking him to leave. Cute lawyer boy ended up coming back over to my place and staying over for the third night in a row.

And that's all that i'm sayin'.