I Know You're Going, But I Can't Believe / It's the Way That You're Leaving
What a difference a weekend makes.
Sunday was my 32nd birthday and, for various reasons, I won't forget it anytime soon.
On Friday, I was honoured to be a bridesmaid in Lauren and Matt's wedding at the gorgeous Balbirnie Hotel. It was a beautiful ceremony and only Lauren would choose to walk down the aisle to the opening theme from the original series, Battlestar Galactica. She was a gorgeous bride and although there are few certainties in life, I know her and Matt are forever. I mean come on, they had a reading of the Magnetic Fields song, Love is Like a Bottle of Gin during their ceremony; they are one cool couple and I am delighted for them .
And on Saturday, I had my heartbroken.
For the last two months, I had been seeing a dude in Edinburgh. I always find it somewhat difficult, in dating, to find someone who: (a) is nice, (b) makes me laugh, and (c) I fancy; connecting with someone on every level is so precarious and doesn't seem to come along too often - or so I find. And so, with Edinburgh Dude, I felt an incredible connection: he was gentle, sweet, hilarious, articulate, intelligent and not to mention, fucking hot.
Clearly having just broken up with my ex-boyfriend in January, I wasn't ready to jump straight into another relationship anytime soon. By the time I stumbled upon Edinburgh Dude, I decided to take things slowly and see what happened; why pass up a good thing, right? However, if there are two words to describe our relationship, they would be: BAD. TIMING.
We took our time getting to know one another and after a few weeks he dropped the bomb: he was moving to London at the start of August for work. Indeed, he had known for weeks - before he met me, in fact. As he explained about his new job and life in London, I concentrated every effort to force a smile but my heart....my heart......
And so began my engineered "I'm ok with this; let's see where this goes" facade; a monumental effort to hide my true emotions, because that's what I am good at. And the more time I spent with Edinburgh Dude, the further I fell and the harder I denied my feelings. He was lucky - he always had the safety net that he was moving to London whereas I was free falling.
When it comes to matters of the heart, I am a romantic optimist - I want to believe that love always wins; that it can override distance and time. The older I get though, the more I realise that maybe it's not enough. And on Saturday, Edinburgh Dude didn't think it was enough. Enough if he was staying in Scotland, yes. But enough to move to London and fully commit to something that was surrounded in doubt? No. And I can't blame him for wanting to move to London with a clean slate and not be tied to some kooky Canadian in Glasgow. There are plenty of really hot fish in the sea, so to speak, especially London. Bloody hell. Apparently you're not even allowed to live within the boroughs of London unless you're fucking hot (hence why I hate London).
On Saturday, the (perhaps) inevitable happened: he ended it. The previous weekend I had almost ended it as well but at the last minute, withdrew my threat; I'm not that brave or strong. Besides, at the time, he had said he didn't want it to end. But because I am weak and greedy in romance, I proclaimed that I was a big girl and able to deal with the consequences. I thought I was in control - that I had the power in this relationship - but in reality, I was lying to both of us.
And so, he called my bluff on Saturday. Later that night, I met up with 12 of my friends for a birthday/ post-wedding dinner. Like I said, BAD. TIMING. I had to laugh though because I had just got dumped and oh, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! This year you're getting a broken heart!
In the end, I know it's the right thing to do but it still feels like the wrong decision, in a way.
It's times like these when I like to commiserate and wallow in sad songs. And like Patrick Bateman says, "In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock."
Here's to 32 being a fucking awesome year.