Nothing is Black and White
One of the things that I love about being back in the west end again, is that I can walk pretty much anywhere in the city - that is, if I'm not riding my bike. This past week, I've been doing a lot of walking - whether it be going into town to meet friends or to work and back. Weather wise, it hasn't been too bad a week. It's been great to just walk for long periods of time, listening to music, taking in the sights of my beloved adopted city and of course, letting my thoughts tick over (and over and over and over).
As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been slowly re-adjusting to who I am (or maybe who I was?), since leaving my ex-boyfriend in January. It's so strange (and refreshing!) after four years of being with someone in a foreign country, to be all on your own again. The thing is though, I moved here on my own - without a job, apartment or boyfriend - so I KNOW that I can manage. However, it's what happens between then and the "managing" bit that you can't really prepare for; because no matter how strong you think you are, you just DON'T KNOW. You just don't know how you will cope or (re)adjust and that's what makes us who we are, I suppose.
Something that I've come to realise is that I've been in mourning for what could have been. Despite all the horrible things that happened with my ex, on some level I was saddened by the failure of our relationship. Or rather, I was saddened by the potential of it all: his potential, the potential of us and what could have been. And that's what - perhaps- upsets me the most: the potential of what could have been.
Even with G, I think I've been more upset about what COULD have been then what was.
I want to see the good in everything and believe it or not, I would describe myself as an eternal optimist. Nevertheless, I always seem to try and talk myself back from the ledge of positivism - which, more than likely, is probably to do with self-esteem and self-believe (yeah, I know, psychobabble. Sorry.) More than ever now though, I find myself torn between two realms: what I want and what I need. I guess that's what it means to be an adult, huh?