Thursday, August 30, 2012

I think I've always been a pretty spontaneous person and indeed, I have two tattoos to testify as much; if I said I was going to do something, I made sure my actions would prove as much. More than anything, it's these two traits that led me to up and move to Scotland without a job or a place to live.

In fact, another element of how I came to move to Scotland at 26, one which I haven't really mentioned, was a work colleague back in Toronto - who hasn't that much older than me at the time - was killed in a car accident. It was this shockingly premature death that made me realise just how precarious and random the paths of our lives can be; how fragile and limited in time our lives truly are but no matter what we think our trajectory in life is, we are always in control for most of it; we are capable of changing and manipulating the serpentine river on which we flow along.

Which is why I have been somewhat absent with my blogging as of late.

You see, at the start of July, I had a health scare. A health scare of the highest order; one in which all possibilities are an option but being the type of person I am, I could only consider the worst. Although the doctors reassured me that in all likelihood, it would be ok, I couldn't help but think of the Worst Case Scenario. After various screenings, scans, and an agonising long time for the results, it looks like it should be ok. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will more than likely require surgery (which, being phobic of needles and having fainted last week in hospital due to one, I'm not too thrilled about) but so long as it isn't The Big C, I don't care.

And that's the thing - after waiting for so long for the all clear - I don't really care anymore; not in a rebellious care-free manner but rather, in that "hey, don't sweat the small stuff" kind of way. When you spend a month in limbo, considering your own mortality and all the shit you still want to do, you tend not to get too stressed about other things. You realise what is really important and it's not the stuff you would normally get stressed about (jobs/ money/ stuff you want to buy). You realise that despite having busy lives and careers, your family/ friends / partners will be there for you and that's what is ultimately important: being connected, loved and loving others. You realise that life is well and truly unfair and it could have been a lot worse. It could always be worse.

I realise that I'm probably being overly dramatic - as is my fashion - but the past few weeks have been hell: physically, emotionally and psychologically. I'm just relieved. It's not over yet but everything else at this point is surmountable.